…has the woman EVER been pregnant?

I am now 23 weeks (or at least I will be in a two days) and have not yet succumbed to maternity clothes which I think is pretty good considering this is P.R. number two (or as we call her/him P.R. le/la deuxieme) however the vacation is upon us and since we are heading north I thought a new pair of jeans was in order.


My plan is to check Old Navy tomorrow but tonight we were making a Target run and I thought I would try on some Liz Lange Maternity jeans. At this point I’ve got a little bump but I am carrying in my THIGHS – I don’t know if it’s destiny or the fact that I surprisingly have not been working out or a little of both. (I promise I will resume regular exercise on my vacation but I worked out weights and running ’til I was 7 months with Aidan and still packed on an obscene amount of weight – an amount which my friends and midwife call “normal” – I call it traumatic!)

En tout cas… I tried on the first pair, a size bigger than normal to accommodate the THIGHS and they could have been the most perfect jeans. Dark, dark blue without that ridiculous stretchy panel…Thank goodness they have had the sense to trim the stretchy panel down to a few inches rather than a twelve inch span-o-spandex that you could pull up to just underneath your equally as large boobs! I never bought those but I did inherit some hand me down maternity clothes the last time around and I could never bring myself to wear the giant panel pants… crap, where was I?

Oh yes, they could have been the perfect pair of jeans…nice and dark with a little elastic on the sides, no panel to speak of or let alone to try and hide with your husbands over sized clothes (I could never bring myself to do that either) HOWEVER, they were tapered at the leg.

What?

I was going for “classy, tailored looking jeans” and I put on these cigarette cut jeans – it was like a horror movie. I looked like the damned Penguin from Batman – remember that creepy looking character that Danny Divito played? It was AWFUL! I was all hips – like a giant “V” starting from the ground and coming right up to the widest part of my body saying “Look at me! See my hips! Aren’t they Rubenesque?

GAG.

What is Liz Lange’s problem? I know, I know, some people are tall and willowy (new reader Beth, that’s you) but the rest of us feel short and stumpy, we are constantly trying to create that “long silhouette” and Liz Lange has betrayed us once again.

Last time I was pregnant I was desperate for a pair of black slacks and I tried on a pair from Liz, walked out of the dressing room and to my dismay Joel’s response was, “No way.”

I bought a simple black sundress from her once, darling with a ribbon that ties under the breast, the kind you should not have to try on – only to get home and find that it cupped Lucy and Ethel in the most pornographic way. There was no built in bra to speak of and the straps were placed so close together that you could never wear a normal bra with it – the bra straps would lay two inches out. Come on…pregnancy is uncomfortable enough – who wants to wear a strapless bra???

HAS THE WOMAN EVER BEEN PREGNANT???

You could say that that is what I get for perusing the Target aisles but I live out here in the sticks and an hour trip to Woodfield is rarely in the cards. Nonetheless, I have 4 months to go, I keep telling myself not to get too caught up with the fact that soon I shall look like a fertility goddess found on Easter Island- that it only took me 3 months to loose that “obscene” amount I gained with Aidan and that IF, Ms. Lange – whoever she is has ever been pregnant there is NO WAY she wore her own clothes!


En tout cas – in any case
Penguin photo – calsmodel.com
Rubens painting – hermatigemuseum.com