What keeps me awake…

Nov 11, 2005 | Simply Ang | 3 comments

I don’t know what it is but I am highly emotional and sensitive as of late. Sometimes I feel great and other times I feel like I am just keeping it together. Feelings can dangerous and depressed does’nt begin to describe how I feel when its dark at three-freakin-thirty in the afternoon… and all of you family members with your sappy, slide showin, eternally minded blogs make me cry every night when I sit down to read them.

I am more prone to wallow these days and I am fighting it. Fighting. I want Nic to find the love of his life, I want Joel to be able to buy new shoes without thinking of bills, I want hot sun and a son with a perfect heart, I want 20 more hours in the day so I can recapture the things I used to enjoy doing, I want Paris to stop burning…most of all I want to surrender all these things that keep me awake in the night after feeding Aidan. Most of all I want to know how to love God more and how…HOW to represent Him better. Sometimes I just wish, just once I could just sit down with Him and see His plan for my life.

I am two people. I am the one who longs for Nic and I am the one who is confident “she” is out there. I am the one who wants to see Joel less stressed and I am the one who knows God will provide for him. I am the mother of a son with an extra electrical pathway in his heart and I am the daughter of the greatest Healer ever. I want Paris to stop burning but I know we restle not against flesh and blood.

Tell me it’s not just me. Tell me that you too ebb and flow, you are up and down, you are faithful and unfaithful over and over again within a 24 hour period of time.

I feel so deeply for the people I love sometimes I really let my concerns for others consume me. I am commanded to not worry. I am commanded to pray. That is the only thing that will give a brother contentment in the meantime and a husband peace as he strives to provide. Prayer is the only way for me to help Aidan and the only way I can learn to love God more.

Hey- Prayer could even save Paris.

Pray for me. I will pray for you.


  1. FarmgirlCyn

    “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing greatness of the power may be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed, always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. FOR WE WHO LIVE ARE CONSTANTLY BEING DELIVERED OVER TO DEATH FOR JESUS’ SAKE, THAT THE LIFE OF JESUS ALSO MAY BE MANIFESTED IN OUR MORTAL FLESH” 2 Cor. 4:7-11.
    I struggle with some of these very same feelings every day. We are constantly being purified, refined, cleansed. And, lest we forget, we have an enemy, whose sole purpose on this earth, is to kill, steal, and destroy the children of God. He doesn’t have to mess with the unbeliever…he already has them blinded. He wants the believer. And not just any believer. He wants those who earnestly are seeking after Him.They are the real threat.
    Keep the faith, Ang.


  2. Platonicus Booknutticus

    I didn’t WRITE the song! lol.

    -Post Script-
    I was trying to make the letter itself shorter than the two words – “post script” – you know, just for the irony of it all, but five words was all i could get. So I made a decision. I said “I’ll make my new rule, to try and think of a concise email that is shorter than the ‘actual content’ of the post script itself, below, as opposed to actually shorter than the two words “post script”. I suppose it could be one word, but it wouldn’t ultimagely affect the argument in any significant way. Anyway, this is the post script. Or postscript. Whichever. I believe I’ve succeeded. Carry on.

  3. Faith

    You are not alone in those feelings Ang. I struggle with the same things. I can feel so much love and contentment, and so much anger and bitterness all in the same day, even the same hour. I want to be so much better. More patient, more loving, more understanding and less judgemental. I am so glad we have a God that forgives us, and loves us in spite of ourselves, and inspite of us being ruled far to often by our feelings and emotions that can take us from one extreme to another in such a short time. We fall so short of the mark, and yet he loves us anyway. We serve an awesome God indeed!!! I love you!!


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