I don’t know what it is but I am highly emotional and sensitive as of late. Sometimes I feel great and other times I feel like I am just keeping it together. Feelings can dangerous and depressed does’nt begin to describe how I feel when its dark at three-freakin-thirty in the afternoon… and all of you family members with your sappy, slide showin, eternally minded blogs make me cry every night when I sit down to read them.

I am more prone to wallow these days and I am fighting it. Fighting. I want Nic to find the love of his life, I want Joel to be able to buy new shoes without thinking of bills, I want hot sun and a son with a perfect heart, I want 20 more hours in the day so I can recapture the things I used to enjoy doing, I want Paris to stop burning…most of all I want to surrender all these things that keep me awake in the night after feeding Aidan. Most of all I want to know how to love God more and how…HOW to represent Him better. Sometimes I just wish, just once I could just sit down with Him and see His plan for my life.

I am two people. I am the one who longs for Nic and I am the one who is confident “she” is out there. I am the one who wants to see Joel less stressed and I am the one who knows God will provide for him. I am the mother of a son with an extra electrical pathway in his heart and I am the daughter of the greatest Healer ever. I want Paris to stop burning but I know we restle not against flesh and blood.

Tell me it’s not just me. Tell me that you too ebb and flow, you are up and down, you are faithful and unfaithful over and over again within a 24 hour period of time.

I feel so deeply for the people I love sometimes I really let my concerns for others consume me. I am commanded to not worry. I am commanded to pray. That is the only thing that will give a brother contentment in the meantime and a husband peace as he strives to provide. Prayer is the only way for me to help Aidan and the only way I can learn to love God more.

Hey- Prayer could even save Paris.

Pray for me. I will pray for you.