Warning if you “drink and blog” then put down your drink so you don’t spit your coffee or wine all over the screen.
A FAVORITE friend just sent this to me and thankfully there was no beverage in my mouth or it would have been all over. I haven’t laughed this hard since Ben went off on Simon…(two posts ago)
To those of you who don’t live in the Chicago suburbs, so sorry. This, like Ben’s “audition” is SPOT ON from the Starbucks to the sexually confused. For those of you who do, hold on to your seats…
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Chicago market:
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Chrysler Town & Country Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
“Cicero or Calumet City Barbie”
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ….unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.
“Barrington Hills Barbie”
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
“West Loop Barbie”
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Joliet Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
“Lincoln Park Barbie”
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call herWillow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Lincoln Park Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
“Southside Chicago Barbie”
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always out a-‘huntin’.
“West Division Street Barbie/Ken”
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.