My Play by Play on the CMA’s

Nov 16, 2005 | Gardening | 4 comments

No Juls, Country Music cant save us tonight! What the HOLY HELL is going on??? If this is talent then Jen, Chels, Melis and I should be skyrocketing to the top of the Billboard charts just for singing in the shower!

Hey Garth! Stay retired. Hated you then, hate you now.

Brooks and Dunn…Crooks and DUMB! You keep stealing awards and your hair is as ridiculous as your songs.

Kris Kristoferson go home.

Bon Jovi you must have gotten lost on your way to the Democratic National Convention.

Alan, Love you baby but I believe Eric Clapton already made that song a hit.

Little Australian girl – you’re great- its not even half over but you may have saved the show. I was gonna give up on country til you threw your guitar and rocked out! Joel says you have more talent in your little pinky than…

Faith Hill. Faith…Tim…Were you fighting? You make me wanna watch “My Name is Earl” At least that is SUPPOSED to be funny!

Keith – your cute, you can pick like nobody’s business…SICK of the song.

Martina. That song was a “beat off” or something. You have money…get a stylist. You are one of my favorites but after seeing that you sold out to Wal-Mart this is the second time you have embarrassed me this week.

Trace Atkins. You are a bad-ass and I love you.

Trisha…Just go back home to Garth.

Kenny, Kenny, Kenny. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAA!!! You finally got knocked of your beach sand, pucca shelled, divorced in 3 months pedestal. Keith smoked your ass…hahahahahaha!!!!

Gretchen. Give your creative guy a raise. That video behind you was COOL. Your perfect pitch was a breath of fresh country mountain air in a smog of shrunken cowboy hats, bad eye makeup and commercialized-bubble-gum-country-crap!

Allison, Allison dear Allison. The consummate professional even when those dorks forgot to turn your mic on. (That happened to me in 11th grade!) There is a reason you are Aidans favorite. Your an angel with a fiddle. Sexy dress too!

And the female vocalist is…Gretchen! Wow. She beat Allison. I am shocked. Tough call.

Dierks. Hold that pitch baby. You are so cute but sadly you forgot your bucket. You must have been nervous. You didn’t seem like yourself and I have seen you sing that song flawlessly.

Montgomery Gentry. What can I say? I actually get angry that you are famous. Posers! What’s with that cigar and that Broadway duster. What’s with Dusters in general? I suppose you had that made just for tonight? Too bad. You are still nerds.

God AND Jesus! Wow! Anyone can thank God, but to thank Jesus too??? Now I love you even more Dierks, congrats on your award!

Still to come…Dolly, Shania and…Elton John???

“Jesus Take the Wheel”. Oh my goodness. I heard that song for the first time the other day working in the garage. That is an awesome song. I remember Mom telling us she would see us in heaven when we hit that ice patch so that song really struck a chord. I’ve GOT to sing that one!

Rascal Flats. Of course people criticize your music. Its for pansies. Come on. I don’t care how much you thank God. I would thank Him if I never had to hear your music again. Where is the “shut up” music when you need it?

Brooks and Dunn. Didn’t I tell you to stop it? Neon Moon. I’ll give you that and THAT’s it!

Elton. Go back to England. Last time I checked I was watching the COUNTRY music awards. I mean, thanks for “Your Song” and all- its a great addition to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack but what the hell are you singing? I cant understand a bloody word. Is that the “Queens” english?

Dolly singing John Lennon. Didn’t he get SHOT for crappy music?

Shania and Billy Joel. Dont worry Billy. I don’t think Shania owns a cowboy hat either. They don’t were them in SWITZERLAND!

Entertainer of the year…The only two worthy of the nomination are Alan and Keith…GO KEITH!!! Kenny dogged again. hahahaha- Joel hopes they give you more than 30 seconds to talk. They didn’t of course.

So there you have it. The good, the bad and Rascal Flats. No pun intended. See you next year!


  1. cityfarmer

    Jesus, reinvent the wheel.

  2. julee

    I wished I would have commented on your “What Keeps You Awake” post…so I wouldn’t look so trival, petty, and inconsiderate. But oh well. And speaking of bragging, I not only can name a handful of relatives I would rather hear sing…I actually set my alarm early in anticipation of reading the relatives blogs. Melissa and Joan Rivers would do good to hire some freakin’ funny talented writers, such as ourselves. Yep, this morning I took one of my 5 L’s (laugh) to a whole new level. Good job. Carry on.
    P.S. I guess your “What Keeps You Awake” post hit to close to home to comment. It did inspire!

  3. Platonicus Booknutticus

    Wow. John Lennon huh? Ang, I could beat you with an empty coke bottle… and I might. You’re out of line.

  4. Parisienne Farmgirl

    Nic- Come on…you had to see and hear what we did to find my comment a joke rather than offensive. It was in reference to the song of his that they were singing. It drives me nuts. I’ll step back into line and then beat you back with my two liter.


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