My Dream – The Amazing Race

Oct 20, 2010 | The Amazing Race | 13 comments

Come Monday there are two things I am strumming the kitchen counter top for…

The latest sermon from Mark Driscoll at Mars Hill Church in Seattle, not Michigan.  AND…

The Amazing Race.

What can I say?  I don’t watch T.V.  But Monday night you can bet your bootie I am on to watch the Amazing Race.  This is season seventeen and I am no less enthused.

 Passion Alert:  Here me out…

There are a few things in life that bring tears to my eyes… My desire for my kids to know the Lord, my love for my Hubby, my desire to know Paris/France better, my desire to Tango, my desire for a farm of our own and… I know this is corny… but my desire to be a contestant… WITH JOEL on the Amazing Race.

Back when this show débuted we watched T.V. and I became totally hooked and since then I have not missed a season.  I can tell you every stupid mistake and every BRILLIANT move over the years.  And lest you think I am an ego-maniac (said the blogger with her own photo on her header!!!!) I think we could kick some BOOT-AYE on that game!

One of our Favorite teams… and we loved the Cowboys too!

First and formost I think my completely jaded attitude would come in handy.  As mentioned in many previous posts, I am not a gushy, ra-ra type woman… though I was a cheerleader in high school.  If I was on the Amazing Race, you would NEVER, I mean never hear me gush about someone being “so sweet” that I wanted to team up with them, I would NEVER wait around for another team to finish so we could “work together”… (ok, probably never) I would NEVER wuss out on a task… I mean NEVER!!!!  Remember that D-U-M-B girl last year that was so scared she would not even go down a WATER SLIDE!!!!

In all seventeen seasons of The Amazing Race there have been two tasks that I wondered if I could do mentally or physically:
1.  IT was a LONG time ago but it had something to do with walking past chained tigers.  Yeah, I have nightmares about giant cats.  Yikes.  I would not NOT do it, but man, I might puke.

2.  The one time they had to crawl into one of the Great Pyramids.  Long time readers remember my post about crawling into the trunk of my car to fix it… I am claustrophobic and I tell you what, I don’t know what the rules are, but I might have to have a pint of whiskey in my giant back pack in order to do me some Egyptian treasure hunting.  It’s called, Liquid Courage.

Joel and I watch the show together and we discuss who would take each challenge in a particular situation.  For example, if eating crispy, fried bugs somewhere in Africa were on the menu (which is pretty tacky and not often a tactic of the Amazing Race) I would do it, cause Joel would never make it,   I would also handle any clues having to do with unscrambling Cyrillic letters and what not… but he would handle feats of great strength or those having to do with something gross like Wasabi.  Barf.

We would of course be the obligitory, long time married, white, “born again” Christian couple… and I PROMISE the rest of you Christians out there, we would NEVER ask Jesus to “help us win a million dollars.”  I would be more prone to drop an F-Bomb in an exhausted fit of frustration than ask Jesus to help me win a million dollars.

For protection yes, for wisdom yes… but come on… “help us beat that other couple” ??? I don’t think so.

There are reasons I think we would rock it and not embarrass ourselves at least not too bad:

  • We don’t speak louder when talking to someone who doesn’t understand.
  • We DO understand, “it’s not show friends, it’s show business” (brownie points if you know what movie that is from)
  • We DO understand that my personality is stronger but that he deserves respect… ain’t gonna be no bitchy drama coming from our team.  Ok, at least not TOO much.
  • We know that in many forgein countries you have to use DIESEL in your rental car… DUGH.
  • I would be smart enough to befriend EVERY stinking person I could on the airplane to give us any information about where we are headed.
  • I would NEVER leave my backpack behind.  Those people drive me nuts!!!!
  • I would bring a compass.  (Just in case my brain stopped working )
  • I would bring a calculator (remember that Dubai gold task from a few seasons back???)
  • I can swim and run and the drop of a hat no matter how long it has been since I did either.
  • Joel is laid back and full of steady common sense, and he is not totally mule-headed or glory seeking.
  • We each have pretty good street smarts and with our strengths and weaknesses we could run pretty tight.
  • We have driven in foreign countries together and have figured out a way to communicate when navigating a round-a-bout.  
  • I can read a map.  And though I would love to drive, Joel would most likely be our driver while I read the map.
  • Joel would NEVER get in a cab without taking a peak at his gas tank and tire pressure.  I know this would take a long time, but there has got to me a way to glance at these two things to make sure you aren’t getting in a Flintstone mobile.
Things that do freak me out –
  • I have a “bad back” – IE, it hurts all the time and the thought of running around with that backpack really freaks me out.
  • I would miss my children and it would be so difficult to be apart from them.
  • WHO is going to believe in us enough to watch our children for up to three weeks?
  • I get emotional when I am over tired.  Surely this race is exhausting,  I wonder if I would break down and cry at some point.
  • I am not too much of a princess (IE: I can leave the house without makeup) but I have to take care of my skin, would I cram little skin care bottles in my backpack?  If I don’t watch my face I turn into a giant zit.  Even at 35.
  • Joel and I are a great team but can have two VERY different ways of thinking.  Could I, in the heat of the moment, stay kind.  Just being honest here.  I can get pretty competitive.

I can assure you though that the other teams will hate me!!!  I PROMISE!  That’s just how it works… show a little confidence… don’t pass out the mushy-ga-ga hugs = they don’t like you!!!

I promise you, my friends, family and sweet readers if I ever make the Amazing Race I will not run around the planet in skin tight black capri leggings… I would stink bad enough in Thailand, let along in skin tight lycra.  And I won’t push Lucy and Ethel up to my nose for the world to see either.

I LONG to run this race… and hopefully I have not given away enough of my strategic ideas… but really, I know what fricken Stonehenge is for Pete’s sak, I know how to swim and would never mistake QU II for Jaquline Kennedy… OMGOSH some people are so clueless.

Our family… well, we don’t think it’s done growing… but Hubby did BLOW MY MIND the other night when I was expressing my heartfelt desire to compete in this game… he said, “You may just get your chance”… now, that is a really big deal… so all you wanna be T.A.R. hopefulls better watch out!!!!


  1. Alice

    I hardly ever watch this show, but when I do I love it.

    OK, so this week I have done the amazing race all by myself. And I did ask God for strength and a little insight, and I most certainly dropped the F-bomb more than once. Our mean psycho dog escaped and led me on a race across the city. He’s been loose four days now, and I have not been able to catch him.

    Ok, back to your post—if you do get on the show (and I hope you do) I know you’ll beat the pants off the other teams. I’ll watch the kids, that is if I ever catch the mean dog. Oh, and thanks for promising to dress for the occasion. I’m there for you!!!!

  2. cheryl

    too too funny a post. I have never seen the show and will likely never see the show….unless of course you post that you will be a contestant!!! I will then be sure to stay tuned…

    all the best,

  3. Jen

    I’m OBSESSED with the Amazing Race!
    I’ve seen ever season too! I love how they do tasks that pertain to each country..Anything involving food would be tough for me(I have a terrible gag reflex)but the toughest one for me by far would have been shaving my head! Do you remember that one?? The hubby didn’t have to cuz he was already bald! but I guess it worked cuz they won that season!
    And that girl I the slide..I woulda had to push her

  4. Maison Douce

    That has been one of my favorite shows from the beginning!!! I have not missed a single episode…!!!! My children don’t understand my obsession!!

  5. Gracie's Cottage

    hahahaha – you crack me up! I love the show too. I know that CG & I could never do it unless I wanted to be single at the end. (We can’t even hang wallpaper together! – somethin’ about me being a little too bossy when it comes to ‘tasks’)

    So, you go for it – I’d love to cheer for you and against the idiots with the girls hanging out and the ones that lose their backpacks.


  6. Deb

    My daughter (I guesstimate she is your age, yeah, I’m that old) is such a fan of Amazing Race. She got me hooked. And you, my dear, write a hilarious post now and again…this was too funny!

  7. ~ ~ Ahrisha ~ ~

    Ok I’ve got to put my 2 cents in here and say I have never watched the show. It is fun to have something to get passionate about so Go Girl!
    ~ ~Ahrisha~ ~

  8. Tamra

    I too am an AR Addict! I sometimes watch it twice, once on Sundays and then again when my girls watch it to to see some of the dumb things people do one more time.

    I mean really, these people apply for the show so I’m assuming they have watched the show sooooo……do they not realize that HAVE to know how to drive a stick shift? Do they forget they are there to earn a million bucks and not make new BFF’s? Do they forget that they are on national TV hollering and cussing out their best friend or spouse and now look like a giant jerk who no one wants to see win? When they cry and say “I just didn’t think it would be this hard!” Did they not watch a previous episode where young strong men were exhausted and saying they didn’t think they could go on?

    I would love to see you guys go on! Sounds like you’ve got it figured out and if for no other reason just to see someone compete without wearing nothing but spandex and a bra and having “the girls” set out on a platter for all to see.

    I do have to say though that we were in Ireland and England a few years ago and the round took us awhile to get used to because their signs aren’t as clear as we are used to. But when watching it recently the guy told the couple to “go up ahead to the round about and take a right” my daughter looked at me and dryly said, “They have no idea that everything’s a “right” in a round about” I about fell off the sofa laughing! She’s right.

    I hope you apply girlie!

  9. Jenny

    Yes, Yes, yes!!! I love me some amazing race too. I can’t stand watching survivor or big brother because of all the fakey obstacles to conquer but this amazing scavenger race around the world that tests what you are made of, and needs teamwork is a gem on TV. My husband and I watch it on Sun. nights and we wear out our DVR because we pause the show each time a road block or task comes up and decide what we would do (we’re dorks that way). We have toyed with thinking about it but missing the kiddos would be the toughest part of it all. YOu two WOULD be awesome.

  10. kerrie

    You watch this show like I watch the Bachelor…sorry but it’s a weakness. I don’t watch T.V either just Gossip Girl with my teen girls and the Bachelor. BUT if you get on this show I will watch and cheer for you!!!!! Do it while you still can. I’m 43 and 35 felt ALOT younger. And there are somethings I WISH I would have did in my thirties. Go for it.

  11. Anne Marie

    why am i not super shocked? that j and i both said we could rock that competition and not look all ‘goof’ like….that is THE only show we’d ever consider doing


  12. City Girl Turns Country

    I had to get a kick out of you post cause like you, I am an Amazing Race junky… I have had my favorites and those that I pray come in last, like the guy who slapped her GF a few years back. My hubby and I also secretly wish we could do the race… however, I am not sure we would survive because he would have to push me off of anything that would require hights…


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