Please excuse me while I take a moment to be completely uncharitable….

Something Joel and I enjoy doing is sitting at our kitchen counter at the end of a long day (one of the two nights a week he is home) and watching an episode or two of “House Hunters International” on

Can I just ask a question?

Why is it that nine times out of ten those people are the biggest dorks?

I mean really.

And WHY do they have SO MUCH money????

Or are we the only family that can’t afford a budget of “five hundred thousand U.S. dollars”?  I mean what’s with the Italian “kid” finally leaving Mommy and Daddy’s and being able to spend a half a million dollars?  That is just wrong.

OK, you got me.  That’s three questions I know but what is wrong with these people?  They are just plain weird.  So, I have some pointers if you are considering starring in an episode of “House Hunters International”-

1.  Don’t be such a fricken’ princess.  That’s right.  Don’t tell the producer that you luuuuuuuve “the rustic charm of the old world” and then complain when your could-be kitchen is smaller than your coat closet back home.  Don’t act shocked when the W.C. is down the hall and separate from the bath and don’t whine when the bath only has a dorm room sized shower.  YOU’RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE!

2.  Get a Thesaurus.  Come on.  Please, please, please refrain from using the following words in every room of every property you visit, “charming”  “quaint” and for my husbands sake… stop saying “en suite” when referring to a bathroom attached to a bedroom.  I think his head might explode.  Try mixing it up a little by saying, “master bath” “jack and jill”  “Oh look, this one has a bathroom!”  Like I said, get a Thesaurus, there’s an APP for that!

3.  Act natural.  Do whatever it takes.  Wine, Zanex, Valium… Yesterday we watched one with a “fitness couple” buying a second home in Figi and girlfriend had to hold her hands on her hips the entire time to show off her biceps and perfectly groomed physique.  Irritating.

4.  Stop complaining.  Momma’s boy, Mr. Italian, all he did was complain about having enough balcony space for his damn cats.  Really?  You get to spend a half a million and you are worried that M. Puss isn’t going to have enough room to enjoy his views of Roma???  And the Tango lady in Argentina… if she whined one more time about the kitchen being unacceptable.  Ok, maybe I was just jealous of her cause hubby is not so into Tango anymore.  Humpf.

5.  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY… Buy the good one.  How many times do I have to scream, “Oh Nooooooooo!” when they finally reveal the choice of the couple.  The fitness couple passed on the Figian paradise with the outdoor bath and tons of salvaged, historical Javanese wood… I wanted to strangle them.

6.  Please hire a decorator… and by that I mean, ME.  The couple that bought the Pied-a-Terre in Paris… did you see that thing when they were done?  Oh my goodness… that is SO NOT WHAT YOU DO WITH A PIED-A-TERRE… I mean, why not contact “Joe Blow New Construction” back home if you wanted something to look like a spec home.  Gag-o-rama.

Ok, I’ll stop.  You get my drift.  To see what I am talking about visit Hulu to watch House Hunters International.  Watch Paris, St. Thomas, Rome, Figi, Bali, South of France, Bueones Aries and check out that turquoise chandie if you watch the Sweden episode.  I would kill for that thing.

Here is an episode (The Pied-a-Terre one) if you want a taste and I just have to know… am I a jerk or have you found yourself equally as irritated???