True, He is everywhere but I swear in the garden sometimes I can feel Him next to me. Amidst all this job stress He feels so far away, so often…if I can find some time alone in the garden I don’t feel so far away from Him. I don’t feel so alone.
The other day I found some of that time. Some quiet. Some thoughts of my own that did not involve waiting for interview calls, that didn’t involve the pressure that we have been living under. Just a few wonderful moments of weed pulling and more importantly – harvesting.
Sometimes I wonder how much longer we can live with this pressure, it feels like my head will explode and then I feel like such a coward and baby because I know people are dealing with so much more. But it is hard not panic that winter is coming and there still is no new job and any painting is sure to slow even more to a complete halt like it does every year. I often wonder what I was like before this stress, I wonder what our marriage and home life would be like if money was not always a topic. Not that things are bad – there is just the constant presence of stress. I long to feel the constant presence of the Lord instead. Has my faith shrunk so much that it is based on my surrounding circumstances?
I feel like a broken record before the Lord, asking for change and for provisions and trying to express my thankfulness for all that I DO have –
There are days when I want to run away and hide. I don’t have friends that really understand what we are going through and it’s so all consuming I find myself talking about it with every conversation and I just want to scream, “Shut up!” to myself. It makes me not want to call people and truth be told when I consider how much I have “pulled in” in the last 24 months it is really amazing.
I let Joel buy me a couple things at a Barn Sale the other day for my birthday and I am feeling so guilty, I feel like I spent $1000. It was grocery money that we used – totally ridiculous I know but we were out as a family having fun. When I got home it wasn’t so fun and I have been pretty hard on myself about it. I can’t believe how this has worn me down. I always felt like such a fighter, but I am, truth be told, very weary. I can’t imagine how my husband really feels.
The other day, I “hid” in the garden and found my respite there. I breathed deeply, my thoughts were slow and lazy though my hands toiled quickly in the dirt. It was just what I needed but Oh, if I could remember, if I could live out that above all HE is just what I need…
…Restore our fortunes, LORD
as streams renew the desert.
Those who plant in tears,
will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
but they sing as they return with the harvest.
Psalm 126 4-6
New Living Translation