Exurp from the hopefully, soon to be self-published; My Thirty Days in Paris

1. What is your obsession with pink toilet paper? It is cheaper than white?


2. How can a country that is so kind as to sprinkle rose petals on the sidewalks in front of their stores put a public bathroom light on a timer- leaving me to pee all over myself?

3. Does your food taste better in between cigarette puffs? What am I missing?

4. Do you work?

5. I heard your average salary is the equivalent to $25,000 US dollars a year so how can you afford those shoes?

6. Have your ever experienced the joy of paying just a dollar twenty for a cup of coffee? Like at Panera?

7. An over-easy egg on top of a pizza? Come on.

8. If it is so polite to say “Au revoir madame.” to the sales lady, what do I do if she is busy and in the BACK of the store as I leave? Do I holler above the clothing racks to prove that I am not a rude American or would that just drive the point home?

9. Your leather purses have a wonderfully worn look about them. Do you throw them in the dryer to beat them up a little or is that REALLY your only purse and have your REALLY had it for fifteen years?

10. Do you work?

11. Every morning I am woken up by the street cleaners and green garbage men. Does that ever get on your nerves?

12. Is it really, I mean actually impossible, I mean, like, does your body not have the ABILITY to speak just a little slower?

13. You do realize you are probably terribly addicted to caffeine? How do you sleep at night?

14. I have seen a TON of deodorant ads on the television. Is TiVo extremely popular with men ages 28-55?

15. Do you feel any guilt or remorse or ANYTHING when you let your dog crap all over the sidewalk leaving it for some, respected, older woman who has paid her dues to slip in it and break her hip? Even I understand the signs: “J’aime mon quatier. Je remasse.”

16. Just what does it feel like to have over a months worth of paid vacation per year?

17. Scarves. Are you born knowing how to tie them? Speaking of ties: Do you have to BEG your husband to put on that tie or does he do it happily, feeling that it truly does complete his outfit?

18. Do you have ANY idea how intimidating the “clip, clip, clogging” of your shoes is behind me? Even with my earphones in? No matter how hard I try, and I do try, I just can’t walk fast enough for you.

19. Am I the only one that wishes there was more space on those little cafe tables?

20. Do you WORK?