The Crappy Music Awards (OK it wasnt all crappy…)

Nov 7, 2006 | Snapshots in Coversation | 8 comments

When I started to take my notes during this evening’s CMA awards Joel reminded me to “pepper my comments with grace” of course he was kidding (he hates that expression.) So be warned, cause I didn’t these are my notes, pure Ang sarcasm and compliment when appropo.
When I tell people that I love country music I have to “pepper” that statement with the fact that I like about ten percent of Country music. The rest is an atrocity…a crime against the fiddle and the steel guitar.
If you don’t know what a fiddle and steel guitar are…well, that just drives home my point on why a hate most country musicians, cause they don’t know what they are either.
Enjoy the play by play…


Brooks and Dunn…Sheryl Crow. Who decided you (Sheryl) were “country?”

Carrie Underpants. Joel was hoping you would sound a little better live. I missed it.

Brad, Brad, Brad…second performance of the night and we are only 30 minutes into this thing and possibly the best performance of the night. You could teach Carrie what it means to sound as good live as you do on your C.D.

Sugarland…or as I like to call her, Marble Mouth, I can not understand a word of your singing. Please stop. No, no, no, you don’t raise the bar high.

Gretchen. You should give lessons to the rest of ‘em. We’re sure glad they aint’ all California girls.

Camera pans to Billy Ray Cyrus…is this a Keith Urban look alike contest?

Song of the year announcer, LeAnn Womack, you’re scaring me.

OK, Brooks and Dunn, I BELIEVE I don’t want to see you any more than I have to tonight, you have won twice already you’re your songwriter wrote a lovely song but perhaps a 300 pound cowboy should not wear sequins…hmmm.

Like Red on a Rose. Not a bad thing can be said when Alan and Allison work together. Does anyone have this CD yet…I’ve just got to get it!

Little Big Town. Too good for this town. (Nashville) I wonder how many times Music Row said, “You’re not really what we are looking for.”

Rascal Fats. Really people. What is the fascination with these guys/gays? Their songs are corny. Is he singing with a clothespin on his nose??? I guess it’s true, when you’re (think you’re) cool the sun does shine on you twenty-four hours a day. Am I the ONLY person that can tell that these guys SUCK??? It’s called a pitch…get one! It’s called country music…sing it!

Wait…Racal Flats just won Vocal Group of the year…shouldn’t you have to be able to SING to win that award.

Martina. OK, as a vocalist, I feel like I connect with you the most. Your songs allow me to “let it fly” whether in my kitchen or on stage at Fountain Park (my only, every other year gig) but I’m really tired of the ballad. The happy-feel-good-strive-for-yumminess type songs. Your last good ballad was “Where would you be?” You should come out on stage and belt our one of those rockers like , “My Time.” Sing it anyways girl.

George Strait! I love you George and I hate everything!
Give it away baby “mmm” cause THAT is country music! Congratulations.

Kenny. OK, I converted to your camp last year but let me quote Joel for a moment here, “Is he sick? He sounds like s*&%!”
Dang, I defended you to Jennifer just a few months ago!
How embarrassing to get up in front of all your peers and be as flat as a pancake. Yikes.

The Wreckers. NOT COUNTRY! GO WRECK SOMEONE ELSE’S AWARD SHOW. IT’S NOT ALRIGHT, YOU WON’T BE FINE, GO FIND “LIGHT F.M.!” TAKE YOUR PIECES WITH YOU!

Trisha- how’s come you always dress like a nun on crack! I’ll quote Joel again, “Is that all Garth could afford or what?”

Alright, Brooks and Dunn won again but at least for every time they win it’s one less time that I have to see Montgomery Gentry!

Dierks. Dierks. I LOVE YOU!!! Every mile is a memory with you on the radio! What the flip did I listen to before you came along with your big white truck, your white tank top fettish and that rockin hair!!! How am I doing since you did what you done to me? Just fine Dierks!

Dead air.

Dead air.

Eva Longoria. Gain a pound. Holocaust chic is out.

And the award for male vocalist of the year is KEITH URBAN…and I will quote my couch partner again, “Poor bastard.”

AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE, WE WILL BE KEITH FANS!

Miranda, who did I listen to before YOU came on the scene? You crazy girl. You were the most exiting part of last years show with your flames of Kerosene and this year…well you can bash a guitar on the stage every night! IT’S CALLED ENTERTAINEMTN PEOPLE and Miranda brings it!!!

Faith. I WAS a fan. But it’s called over-exposure. Oh man, I am gonna gag – this song has too many words, what the heck is she singing about. Beer and policmen, house dresses, neighbors that drive you crazy…what’s with the shoutin’ away from the mic? Is this the new theme to Desperate Housewives?
Faith – your voice sounded just about perfect. Why not use it for something good…like a COUNTRY song!!!
What was with that outfit?

JOSH!!! I WILL GO WITH YOU ANYWHERE!!! Dreamy, like butta! Josh for President! Why don’t they just give you “best male vocalist EVER” award so I can go to bed and this stupid show could be over! Effortless.

Horizon..are you kidding. Carrie Underpants. Say it ain’t so. They overplay you babe. It’s really annoying.

Congrats 99.5 – too bad you lost Big John, that’s OK, he went to the ONLY OTHER station we listen too. How ironic is that? Too bad they didn’t ask me to co-host with him! (I used to work there).

Left the room for a spot of tea and came back to some poor guy being cut off by the “shut up” music. How rude. As if that guy hasn’t paid his dues a hundred times over!

JASON ALDEAN! Man we rock out to you in the Silverado and baby Aidan might be your biggest fan. He likes it LOUD! Hey…THAT is country music! This song makes me want to pack it up and move to a hick town! (That’s the Farmgirl in me…the Parisienne screams, don’t do it, where will you find a good bottle of wine?!!)

Sarah, I love this song (I sang it this summer!) Sarah, you looked miserable. I can’t imagine what is going on if your life. We wish you the best. You’re our favorite!

Billy Ray – really, is this a look alike contest or what? I am sorry but he looks like a buffoon.
Joelism, “If Carrie Underwood wins I am going to sh&#!”
Dang! I was typing but Joel said Faith Hill was like, “WHAT” and the camera caught it.1 I can’t believe I missed it.
Joel wants to know how this is possible! Ridiculous.

Album of the Year: Brad Paisly. I sing that “To the World Song” to Aidan in the rear-view mirror. He likes it. I think it is so sweet how he sings all those to his wife!

Vince – please come back to us. We’ve had the great chance to see you in concert quite a few times, you’re so good, do you really need Sheryl Crow – what is with everyones fascination with her? Why couldn’t Amy have played the guitar and harmonized with him? Their voices have such a nice blend.

Goodness, can I go to bed already??? Wouldn’t it be nice if Keith could win Entertainer.Kenny…Oh brother. I’m off to bed.

See you next year.

8 Comments

  1. cityfarmer

    Josh and Gretchen would be my only picks for the entire evening.
    Too pathetic to even post a blog.

    Reply
  2. Amanda

    I don’t even know any of these people whatsoever. But your comments are funny anyway…

    Reply
  3. julee

    At least Carrie U remembered her roots and where she came from. And you had to love her dress?

    From the words of Jen’s friend Matt….this is how I felt about Alan, Josh, and Vince the moring their new albums debuted on iTunes.

    “On Tuesdays I tear open iTunes like it’s Christmas morning and the puppy inside the box only has a few more seconds of air.”

    PS Do you know Josh Turner has a new bluegrass album out, also?

    On Imus this morning, him and his cohost were having a fit about Faith Hill screaming “What” and storming off stage.

    You liked Kenny C for a period and I enjoyed “Me and My Gang”….let’s just call it even.

    Reply
  4. julee

    Oh, and by the way…you’d think with all his armchair commenting, big daddy could at least update during this time of year! Maybe a post on Barack Obama? Ted Haggard? Christmas movies?
    Pretty sure we’re back to Midway for Melissa…that does not bode well for the fact that I have nothing to wear to a Christmas party.

    Reply
  5. Faith

    I got over country a few years ago and got back into Christian music. It’s so good, it’s so uplifting. As much as I used to love other kinds of music I just don’t have any interest in it anymore. Christian music is just so much better than it used to be. So many talented artists and amazing songs. I just don’t have any use for music that doesn’t glorify God anymore. Do you listen to it at all?

    Reply
  6. quiet storms

    You two are hilarious. I love Brad Paisly. Anyone who sings about his wife.. I love that. Maybe my poet will do that some day??

    V.

    Reply
  7. Gramiamplusone

    Yea, I vote for Faith on country music comments.

    Reply
  8. Gramiamplusone

    Yea, I vote for Faith on country music comments.

    Reply

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