And things that get on my nerves…

Jun 21, 2006 | On Motherhood | 2 comments

Black coffee…green envy. Jeleous of Aunt Julees bitchen new blog page.

Up and at ’em. Forty-five minute, butt squeezin, abs sucking, Sarahs-hill-three-times-walk this morning. Fifteen minutes of intense, pregnancy-robbed-me-of-my-triceps upper body and seven minutes of I-escaped-flabby-abs-with-THIS-pregnancy-but-I-don’t-dare-risk-it-with-the-next-one abs.
Babes down for a nap. Skipped Bible reading and went right towards the laundry. Big mistake.
Got sidetracked and sat down at the computer. Had meltdown upon review of Booknutticus’ s blog. Spiritual workout. Ran (with a limp) to the Father.

Showered. Cleaned out truck. Babes up, NASCAR jumper out of the dryer, us in the truck, off over the river and thru the *&^%?^& woods to the mall for the first year portrait. Was supposed to call earthly father on the way, call it sidetracked, call it lying. I just didn’t want to after the morning meltdown.

So, my boy is SOOOOOO darling if I do say so myself and he played up to the camera real good. He is pretty aware that his photo is being taken but Jen, Julee and on a good day, myself aside, photographers are wierd. They are like Carnies.

This gal, today, the best she could come up with was slapping the floor and saying “boo” to get babes to smile. I’m like, (how uneducated does THAT look in print???) I’m like, lady is that the BEST you can do? He’s not four months for petes sake! Babes looked at her like, “Yeah lady, you’re gonna have to do better than THAT.”

Two outfits and much fascination with the red light on the ceiling later we were sent out into the mall to wait an hour while our “prints” were manipulated but an “artist” with black and white and sepia tones and ridiculous sayings like “looking for seagulls” under his photo with his sailboat sweater on. Hello? You can’t even see the damn sailboat and why would I want the name of a SCAVENGER bird on my sons first year portrait???

Earthly father calls. Can’t come and see us but we can come there. Thrity minutes to go til the portraits are ready and I can think of 1,000 things I would rather do than truck all the way back thru the mall, put babes in his car seat, haul ass across the street for 4 minutes and do it all again and come back and view the portraits. Its almost naptime. I am trying to keep this day together. “Whatever is more convienient for you.” I am told. Hardly.

Back at the studio I am told they need 10 more minutes and I discover a hair clip in my stroller that I didnt pay for at H and M. Back to H and M and they exchange me the hair clip for my wallet which babes had thrown on the floor and someone had turned in. Nice save. The creepy thing is that I watched the ego-witch this morning and it was about cleptos. During bicep curl number 12 set 2 I thought, “Who the hell steals?” “That is so lame.” Turns out, I do.

Back at the studio. He’s doing good but it is clearly approaching naptime at ramming speed. “Um, the disk that we used for the beach scene photos was corrupted so none of those turned out.” Great.

So I reviewed what photos were left on the computer and let me tell you- Even on a bad day I could have done better. After a 40 minute photoshoot I had 15 to choose from. Babes is beautiful but these suck. Not happy. “We won’t charge you for the sitting fee.” Funny, I had a coupon for the sitting fee so how I am coming out ahead here?

Babes wants milkes and he is tearing at my shirt and curly around my body like boa-constrictor. Naptime is NOW. “Well, you can schedule another sitting. Whatever is more convienient for you.”


What you mean is, I haven’t seen your boy in months but no matter how much easier it would be on you – I wont’ cross the street.
What it means is, we dont really give a rats ass that it took you 30 mintues to get here, that you crammed it in between naps and that gas cost $3 a gallon and that you hate coming to the mall. But we will take your stupid photos again if you want us to.

Babes is still pulling at my shirt…POP! Four-year-old-crappy-front-closure-bra comes bursting open. Tank top on and boobiess are flapping underneath everywhere! Nice.

“I cant do this right now” I try to tell this girl who has never given birth, let alone had a child desperate for some boob-bonding after a stressful afternoon pulling on her shirt.

Thursday, Noon. We are going to be in and out. I am telling them, no sepia, creative crap. Just load the photos and I will do the creative part. No killling time in a mall I hate, no nap time infringement. To view our lame photos visit, go to my portraits, type in my name and Aidan as the password. You will see what I mean. The RED, NASCAR photos are crap and white and the cute sailor sweater ones are lame! Last time we went we had 80 proofs to choose from. I think my bitching is justified.

Look, I have a credit with these people. $75. Thats alot. I’m gonna use it even though as Booknutticus says babes is the most photographed baby in history. I will never keep up with Sarah in the portrait department but I do want a ONE year photo for petes sake!!!

So, Thursday, I will try again. I promise to have my Father time before I do though.


  1. teambarrett18

    Brilliant is all I can say. I have these images of “babes” at Glamour Shots in the mall. 🙂 Glad to have you back!

  2. Amanda

    This email had me crying and laughing all at the same time! I’m so sorry for a lot of things, and so happy for others like the wonderful gift of your son Aidan and your fabulous sense of humor! Been thinking of you often-


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